Build Trust - 10 Questions Someone Else Should Answer About You

  1. Share
0 0

We had been in the training for about 4 hours when the instructor asked a pointed question; “On a scale of 1-10, how are you with delegating?”

 

Each of us in the room gave an answer, mine was “I’m an 8. I don’t have a problem delegating.” Then I got this feeling in my gut that I needed to act on.  It wasn’t the bubble guts from lunch.  It was like someone hitting the wrong note in the National Anthem but internalized.

 

Within 3 minutes of giving my answer, I texted my Director of Sales, “1-10, 10s best. How am I with delegating?” Her answer caused me to pause. I read it 2-3 times before realizing I was still in the meeting with the other Executives.

 

So I read her response out loud to everyone.

 

“5 – average and depends and goes up and down. Sometimes 3 sometimes 7. You fluctuate.” (the rest in the in image above)

 

Now I had the bubble guts.

 

She trusts me, she trusts me not

In his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team Patrick Lencioni says that trust is the foundation of every healthy team. I believe him and really think that’s an easy thing to agree with.

If you build on a solid foundation of trust, you can move up to conflict (healthy conflict), then up to Commitment, which leads to Accountability and ends at the top with Results. Totally logical.

Where things go sideways is the whole putting it into practice thing. I’m deeply flawed. People are people. Hardly anything goes according to plan. Leadership is messy.

 

If you want to build a trusting team you must stop lying to yourself, which means getting outside help.

 

Real-life trust-building

 

So how the heck do we go about building trust in real life?

 

Get naked.

 

NOT FOR REAL!! Geez. I’m talking about an honest assessment of your leadership.

 

If you’re feeling brave, answer them for yourself. Then ask three others to answer as well and compare.  1-10, 10 is best. (insert family friends for employees if they answer the questions)

 

How are you with:

  1. Showing grace to employees
  2. Delegation
  3. Asking questions about employee’s interests
  4. Listening to new ideas
  5. Encouragement
  6. Celebrating wins with employees
  7. Following through/keeping your word
  8. Admitting mistakes
  9. Apologizing when you make mistakes
  10. Holding yourself and others accountable

 

Of course, we’re shooting for an average of 10/10 but, no one will get that. And if you graded yourself a 10/10, start with humility.

 

What does your score tell you? How did your score compare to how others rated you?

 

Vulnerability Underpins Courage

 

If you haven’t seen Brene Brown’s Ted talk, it’s worth a watch. In all her research, she found that every instance of courage is underpinned by vulnerability. Going for it without knowing how a thing will turn out.

 

Which is scary.

 

If you go for it with these questions, listen intently to what the answers are trying to tell you. Lean in and thank the folks who risk telling you the truth.
Your response is a HUGE indication to people if they can be real or not. (so don’t fly off the handle)

 

My Director of Sales, (Stephani), and I have had several talks since her assessment of how I delegate. Those follow-up conversations have served to deepen the roots of our working relationship. It’s one more story we can refer to when things are going so well.

 

But we didn’t just teleport to trusting each other, it was a pile of small things over time that allowed Stephani to be that honest. Every time we step into that place, it gets easier and easier to speak freely.

 

Start small, show up, ask for feedback, say ‘thanks,’ and do better next time.

 

Repeat.

 

Want More?

Listen to The Impact of Leadership podcast with over 135 episodes!

Follow The Impact of Leadership on LinkedIn & YouTube 

Comments

To leave a comment, login or sign up.

Related Content

0
Comfort Kills Growth: Preparing Mentally For Healthy Conflict (script included)
People might say they don’t mind change, but they do.  Most of us mind it a lot.    We like being comfortable, but comfort doesn’t lead to growth.    As you take steps toward introducing healthy conflict in your home or at work, here are 4 things to be mentally prepared for.    Awkwardness  As a leader, you are introducing a new concept.  Remember that most everyone else won’t have a reference point in their minds for it.  Extending grace and kindness are invaluable as people react to this new thing.  Many responses that outwardly look like resistance come from the discomfort of our brains needing to be rewired.  Seriously. Our nervous system consists of neurons (nerve cells) that transmit nerve signals or messages to and from the brain.  According to Psychology Today, “Neuroplasticity underlies the capacity for learning and memory, and it enables mental and behavioral flexibility. Research has firmly established that the brain is a dynamic organ and can change its design throughout life, responding to experience by reorganizing connections—via so-called “wiring” and “rewiring.” Scientists sometimes refer to the process of neuroplasticity as structural remodeling of the brain.”  The good news is that you can retrain or rewire your brain.  The bad news is that it takes work. When you bring healthy conflict to your spouse, friends, or coworkers, remember that you’ve been exercising and training your brain to recognize the discomfort as just being part of the process.  But no one else’s brain knows that.  Their neurons are carrying semi truckloads of information telling them there’s confusion, danger, uncertainty, and discomfort down this road.  This is why it gets awkward.  Most people just can’t help but feel weird about it.  Try not to take it personally.  The awkwardness is worth it.  I promise.   Disappointment  I remember when my boss, Patrick, and I really got serious about pursuing healthy conflict.  We both were excited about what Pat Lencioni had written in his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, and we were ready to build a stronger team.  The problem was that we found ourselves fighting old patterns of thought more than anything else.  It was disappointing.  It was also part of the process.  It takes 60 days (or more) of practice to really get into a habit of having healthy conflict as part of your routine.   As I found out, you can mess up a lot of conversations in 60 days if you’re not careful.    Patience is a virtue in this process. We’ve found that disappointment comes in several forms.  Negative self-talk can easily happen, especially when group participation is taking longer than expected.  Beware of thoughts like, “I’m alone in this” popping up.  Frustration can also build in other ways. Perhaps a positional leader in your company just won’t lean into the process.  There is also the disappointment that comes when everyone else in the room is having a Tony Robbins-type breakthrough and you aren’t.  People are people.  You can’t control what they do or how they feel.  Listen to them, empathize, reinforce the ‘why’, and keep stepping forward.    Assumptions Good or bad, the experiences from our past shape our worldview.  These assumptions will inevitably be tagging along with everyone in the room.  Including you. Whether it’s “here we go again”, “I’m just not the type that opens up”, “this is exactly what we need” or 100 others—assumptions will be present. Knowing assumptions are present is critical.  Calling them out to the group at the beginning is where the power lies. You don’t have to be controlled by your preconceived notions.  However, many will feel stuck, even if they don’t articulate it.  Their outward resistance is a symptom of the inward battle.  “I’ve seen this before; it doesn’t end well for me” is a common reaction from people who have been burned by showing vulnerability.  “I’m just not wired that way” is what you’ll often hear from strong personalities.  “I’ve done fine without it so far” is what most smart, successful people think to themselves.  There’s another option.  None of us are stuck.  Even when it feels that way.  In section 6 of our eBook, you’ll find a scrip.  Take this script and make it your own. It will help bring everyone to a common starting position.  Assumptions and all. As gently as I can put it: No one gets to opt-out of this.  Your prior experiences, personality, and success are all real.  None of that gives you a pass on healthy conflict though.   Surprises Guaranteed, you will be surprised in the process of adopting healthy conflict into your leadership.  Right when you think someone will never, ever take a posture of humility--they apologize and speak directly about their misstep.  The other side to that coin are the territorial responses from seemingly non-territorial people.  As my pastor Mike Bullmore says; “People are like cups.  If they get bumped hard enough, you’ll see what’s inside.” Those surprisingly territorial people probably haven’t been bumped in a while.  And you just bumped them big time.    When it happens, encourage the person to stay there.  Label what you’re seeing.  Such as: “it seems like you’re feeling ___”, and let them correct or agree with you.  Ask open-ended questions to draw the person out:  “Tell me about…,” “Help me understand…,”.  Or encouraging statements like: “I’m with you.  Keep going with that last thing you said.”   Balance, awareness, and finesse are required here.  Not perfection.  Think interview vs. interrogation. Reassure them that this is what healthy conflict looks like and is exactly why you all are doing this.  You’re identifying areas of conflict and staring them in the face with the hope of enjoying the health on the other side of these conversations.      You will also be surprised at your own growth along the way.  The ability to sit in the awkwardness becomes more your style as your brain gets rewired by the repetitions day after day.   We've got your back! Get the eBook for $Free.99 Check out our YouTube and LinkedIn pages for more encouraging content.   If you’re looking to take your growth as a leader to the next level, we’ve got you covered. Join the Impact of Leadership Community today